I think I have..

​I think I have told you

So many times

Not to give up

Pursue

Persevere

Be determined

Use your strong will

Think of the end goals all the time
I think I have told you 

So many times

That in every bruise

In every wound

In every scar

Its time to get up

Push forward 

And look on what is infront of you
I think I have told you

So many times

Not to look backward

Falter and downward

Spiraling to the abyss

Of self pity and hopelessness

I think I did because I care

And wanted the best of you.

I think I have..

​I think I have told you

So many times

Not to give up

Pursue

Persevere

Be determined

Use your strong will

Think of the end goals all the time
I think I have told you 

So many times

That in every bruise

In every wound

In every scar

Its time to get up

Push forward 

And look on what is infront of you
I think I have told you

So many times

Not to look backward

Falter and downward

Spiraling to the abyss

Of self pity and hopelessness

I think I did because I care

And wanted the best of you.

I think I have..

​I think I have told you

So many times

Not to give up

Pursue

Persevere

Be determined

Use your strong will

Think of the end goals all the time
I think I have told you 

So many times

That in every bruise

In every wound

In every scar

Its time to get up

Push forward 

And look on what is infront of you
I think I have told you

So many times

Not to look backward

Falter and downward

Spiraling to the abyss

Of self pity and hopelessness

I think I did because I care

And wanted the best of you.

Resolve

​With the sound of the wind

With the fluttering of the leaves

The cold night under the dark umbrella of the sky

I shuddered and look far away

I left my own tribe

I left my past for freedom

The struggling pain

The fear in my heart

The everyday whisper of unloved,

Rejection and abused

I left the life I had for so long

I can not foresee a future without

The everyday struggle I had

But I know I need to leave them behind

I know even with all the torments

The beating of the walls of my room

I know this is not my dwelling place

I do not belong anymore in this place

I can not fit myself in this life

I need to continue moving away

I need to look forward 

Even if my feet got wounded with the rocky road

Even if I bleed and be in more pain

I need to leave

I need to turn my back

If needed, I will jump on this cliff

And swim away

I can not be here anymore

I can not leave the remaining years of my life

In the darkness

In the howling of the wolves who want to devour me

In the dances of my tribesmen who only mock me

I need to run away

I need to stop thinking about going back

I need to believe that there is something better

Somewhere there are people who will accept me

Somewhere that if I reach my hand

There will be someone who will hold it and pull me up

Away from this place

Away from this nothingness

To the brighter place

To the fullness of life.

I might not talk to you again

​Do you know the feeling 

Of liking one of your friends

To the point that you are day dreaming

And his name is always on your lips?
The happiness when you both joke around

Or whispering to each other

Like there is a secret between you two

You might already have an eye language
Then there are light skinships

A tap on the shoulder

Or your arms brush to each other

To the point you want to hug
But then I need to stop

I need to stop looking forward

To the talks or the laughters

To the hands I want to hold
I need to stop daydreaming

Coz its different with reality

I stopped…

It took small steps until I realized..
I realized we are no longer talking to each other

We are no longer whispering small secrets

We do not even go near each other

Or seeing eye to eye
I then noticed how I miss you

And whenever I see your back

I want to hug you tight

But I stopped
And I might not talk to you again…

Fake

I read before about people online
I read before that there is an increase
Of people who are posers or ghosts

I loved being online before
I loved talking to people in this digital world
I loved it but now…

I retreated to my own shell again
I retreated because there is an increase
Of people who posed or ghosted on me

I now wonder what did I expect
I now wonder what matters most
Because I feel everything is fake

My heart

My heart is weak… no its a wreck
Maybe beyond repair
But gradually it will mend
It maybe not like the original
Patches all around
And some wound
Beautiful scars
Stiches from top to bottom
I hope there is no foul smell
Or a big ugly swell

My heart is blank
I was trying to knock
And get a response
But my heart is blank
And nothing to react
I thought there are a lot of emotions
That keeping my heart in motion
Rotten anger at the basement
Unquenched desire at the bedroom
Soft joy at the attic
Broken sadness at the bathroom
No one is minding the door.

My heart I tried to heal
Tried to peel
All the unnecessary skin
Tried to gain some light
And control my fright
Tried to rejuvenate
By finding a mate
Then its mistake
As that I dont need to take

My heart of sorrow
Hard to be positive of tomorrow
My heart of weariness
Where is your happiness
My heart of might
Where is your sight
My heart, my heart
Can someone help me
Take care of my heart

Act of Desperation

Yes, no one will know
What is inside my heart
No one will know
The desperation
Hopelessness
And the uncleanliness
That even if I cling to the Father
I still have moments of falling
And the climb is getting hard
Maybe because I am already aware
Of my own doings
And can not blame it to someone else
Somehow I dont know
If I pity myself or angry towards myself

Isang Araw

Sa tahimik na kwarto, isang hapon

Ang tanging naririnig ko ay ang paggalaw ng elise

Elise ng electric fan habang nagbibigay hangin.

Na para bang huminto ang oras

At nagbabadyang ng isang malamig na unos

Unos na ang pagiisip ang nakatuon sa iisang bagay

Tanging… ikaw.

 

Ikaw na aking nakilala nung kolehiyo pa lang tayo

Unang taon ko nun at habang nagtratrabaho sa silid aklatan

Ikaw ay biglang pumasok at parang isang eksena sa sinehan

Nagslow-mo ang mundo ko, habang padaan ka sa entrance

Na parang lahat ng tao ay nakatingin sayo

Pero ang suplado mo at noon ko naisip,

Isang araw sa tuwing makikita mo ako, ngingiti ka hanggang tenga.

 

Isang hapon, nagtratrabaho naman ako sa may pigeon hall

Pumasok ka at ang aking mga kasamahan ay nagtitilian

Ahhh… ang popular mo pala.

Pati sila, nakuha mo ang mga mata at interest

Pero ang suplado mo pa rin

Ang mga kasamahan ko ay pinakialaman ang bag mo

Ssshhh atin lang ito, nakita namin at nalamana na working student ka rin pala

At balak pa nila kunin ang 2×2 ID pics mo at isabwat pa ako

Sabi ko, isang araw makukuha ko ang litrato na iyan. Iyan na iyan

 

Natutuwa pa ako noon tuwing nakikita kitang natutulog

Sa mga event ng iskolares o sa mismong silid aklatan

Di ko maalala, pano nga ba tayo nagkakilala

Pano mo nalaman ang pangalan ko

Ano ba ang pinagsasabi ko noon

Para lang mapansin mo ako

Pero saklap lang at di naging tayong tayo

 

Isang gabi, napansin ko na lang kapag nakikita mo na ako

Ung ngiti mo hanggang tenga

Hangga’t ninais kong hingin pati cellphone number mo

Aba, binigay mo nga

Teka, bakit andali, mahal mo rin ba ako?

Pero di naman tayo nagusap ng ganun

Di natin pinaguusapan kung gusto ba natin ang isa’t isa

 

Kaso lumalabas tayo kapag lunch

tapos ayaw mo pa may kasama ibang tao

Gusto mo solo lang tayong dalawa

Hanggang sa magtuksuhan na tayo ng friends natin

At oo nga, ung 2×2 ID pic mo na gusto ko

Binigay mo nga ng isang hapon magkasama tayo

Tayo ba? O pinapabayaan lang natin sarili natin maging masaya

 

At nung pinakanta kita sa school park, kumanta ka naman

Oo nga naman, choir ka kaya ang ganda ng boses mo

Pero di ko naalala ang kanta o ang boses mo

Ang naalala ko lang ang tamis na pumayag kang kumanta para sakin

 

Hanggang sa magkatapos tayo ng college

Magkausap pa rin tayo sa telepono

Niyaya mo pa ako sa choir event

At tinukso ulit tayo ng mga kaibigan mo

Tayo ba? O hindi? Kasi may narinig ako sa iyo na isang pangalan ng babae

Isang babae nagustuhan mo bago ako

At niloko kitang two timer

Pero di ka naman two timer kasi di ka naman nagsabi sakin

“Gusto kita”

 

Ung hinintay mo ako ng 6 na oras para lang sa isang oras na kain

Kasi night shift ka noon at may interview ka malapit sa office ko

Halos makatulog ka na sa internet shop habang hinihintay ako

At matapos natin kumain, bigla mo akong niyakap

Slow-mo ulit ang eksena parang pelikula

Paakyat ako ng hagdan ng bigla mo akong hinatak

At hahalikan mo ata ako pero naging yakap na lang

Kasi nagulat ako masyado.

 

Doon ba malalaman ko na gusto mo ako?

Na hanggang ngaun, ilang taon na ang nakalipas

Nang madestino ka malayo sa Manila

Alam ko walang pag-asa maging tayo

Walang pag-asa kasi di ko naman sinabi na

Isang araw magiging akin ka

 

At sa tuwing nararamdaman ko kapag may bagong kang gf

o nagkahiwalay kayo

O sa panahon na nagkakausap tayo sa FB

At naalala mo pa rin ang mga gusto ko

Bakit ka di nagjournalism kung mahilig ka sumulat or

History or anything related sa arts?

Bakit mo naalala ang mga yun?

Bakit kapag kelangan ko ng tulong andyan ka?

Pero engaged ka na ngaun

Malapit ka na ikasal sa isang magandang babae

Naisip ko na lang baka ikaw ang soulmate ko

Soul mate na hindi magiging akin.

Pero salamat sa magandang nakaraan

Nakakatuwa kapag naalala ko

Katulad ngaung tahimik na hapon.

 

Faith: Let’s Start a New Life

In one’s life there is a time where tragedies struck and he does not know who to call for help. Especially if there are circumstances that stopped him from reaching out to people and just cling on to what is comfortable with him. Maybe hobbies that make a temporary patch in his depression or friends that make him forget for a while his troubles. But as the night comes and he is alone in his room, everything that he runs away from will come chasing him. Maybe as a nightmare or something that will keep him away from sleep or more harmful than those.

For the last 30 years of my life, I had been a runner. A runner from my tragic past from abuse and supernatural to the death of my mom until the reality I am from a broken family. Yes, I look like a normal happy person but deep inside, all the things I try to run away from are affecting my sleep, my decisions in life and my faith. Until one day, the Lord told me to stop running, look at my past and start to forgive. Then I realize that I need healing: my heart, mind and soul.

There are people who can experience instant healing like just a one-time participation, let’s say a Jesus Encounter seminar or a retreat, after that they are already strong enough to say NO to any of the negativities in their lives. In my case, it isn’t the same. I need healing masses, a spiritual director, a psychologist and a strong support group that will remind me to stay in the right path.

As I continue pursuing my new life, I will always remember His message to me: “Even if nobody loves you, I love you. I am here with you always.” These words mean that I am loved, I belonged and I am accepted. I will live my life as a life song dedicated to the Lord and whatever He wants me to be, I will be.